We Press On.

    I'm just going to be really honest, this summer has been the hardest summer of my life. The past few days have been some of the hardest in my life.  I forgot what it was like to really feel.  I've felt so alone, broken and angry at God.  I've asked Him countless times why?  Why couldn't I switch my life out for a different one?

    For those of you who know me, you know that I'm a pretty joyful person.  I really love life and living and Jesus.  This summer, I've trained myself to wake up early in the morning.  I love being alive and seeing the sun rise, hearing the birds, and being one of the first people to see the day.  Usually at about 6:15 I wake up.  The first thing I do is spend time with Jesus talking and reading His Word.  After that I slip into my running clothes and hit the walk-way (a walking/running trail in DuBois.)  I put my headphones in and start chasing my shadow.  I know its weird, but yes, I do chase my shadow when I run.  She is good competiton and always about a step ahead of me haha.

     The past few days have been a sharp contrast to my usual self.  I haven't really been able to sleep at all so I haven't really gotten up early, I've just been up.  I've sat up in bed picked up my Bible then dropped it back down.  I've just been really mad at God.  The song "Your Hands" by JJ Heller has been on my heart a lot the lyrics "I have unanswered prayers, I have trouble I wish wasn't there, and I have asked a thousand ways, that You would take my pain away".  I just haven't gotten why.  Why are my prayers unanswered?  Does God even care anymore, why can't I feel Him?  Why do I feel worthless?  Jesus, I've always tried to serve and love you with everything, where are You now?

     Tonight I knew I just needed to run.  It wasn't my favorite time or temperature to run.  I like to run early so its about 55-65 degrees and the sun is out so I can chase my shadow.  Tonight it was 83 degrees and it was 8pm so the sun was down already.  I looked for my MP3 then realized I'd left it in my mom's car. So there I was on the walkway, no distraction of music or a shadow to chase.  Just me and God.  About mid-run I just couldn't take it anymore.  I just broke down and cried. I've never felt so helpless.  All I wanted was to be held and He did just that.  He held me. 

    I still don't get it.  But I know that He does.  I know I don't have the strength to walk, but He is carrying me.  He loves me with an everlasting love.  My Father is God most high.  He has never failed me or abandoned me.  He has carried me, comforted me, and watched out for me.  He's seen every tear that I have cried and cried with me.  He hates to see me cry.  My Daddy loves me.  He loves me with a love bigger, stronger, and more mighty than humans can comprehend.  He has protected me and held me together.  He has never let anything happen to me that wasn't in His plan.  Jesus, I don't get it but I will love You, I will trust in You. 

     At my highschool graduation, a few of us sang the song "We Press On".  There is no going back, there is only forward.  I know God has a beautiful plan for my life.  I can't wait to see where He will take me and how He will use my life.  I'm in love and there is no turning back, no matter what.

"When the choices are hard
When we're battered and scarred
When we've spent our resources
When we've given our all

In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on"