*Breathe in, breathe out*
It seems like the past few months God has been testing me hardcore. He knows better than anyone my weaknesses and He has been pinpointing them. Not gonna lie, at times it reminds me of having a brother. You know, they magically know just what button to press to get a reaction out of you. I feel like God has been pressing my buttons. He sees everything. He sees where I've fallen, where I'm vulnerable, where I'm broken. He know my weaknesses, even when they are seemingly unnoticable by others.
I feel like this summer He has drawn out everything within me. He has pressed me, stretched me, pounded me until there was nothing left, really nothing left. He has taken away every layer of security. He has allowed me to really become nothing. So many things I've had or thought that I could count on have been taken away.
That being said, sometimes as I've gone through some really trying, difficult times this summer, I've been able to breathe in and tell myself it will all be okay when I go back to school. Being at Liberty is like a different world for me. Words can't express how incredibly thankful I am for them, I really believe they are the best school and I love LU. Everything was working out perfectly for this semester. Despite changing my major over the summer, I was still able to get a great schedule, I have the most wonderful friends there, rooming with one of my best friends and most exciting, I was going to be part of leadership on what I believe to be one of the best halls on campus. It was something stable. Something I could count on. Something really amazing.
Last night all of us on dorm 5 got an awful e-mail. Prettymuch one from Liberty telling us they were making our dorm into a male dorm, so find new housing. Our whole leadership team is getting broken up and put on a waiting list for positions. By looking at all of the full housing its really unlikely I'll get to room with my best friend. It was something completely unexpected and shocking. Honestly, I'm still pretty upset at Liberty.
I don't get why God is taking this away from us. Our leadership team had prettymuch clicked instantly. We shared a passion and love for Jesus Christ that bonded us together. We were hanging out as PLs before the whole team even met and when we got together as a team, it was a beautiful thing. I feel like through the summer we have gotten even closer through prayer & keeping in touch. I felt like we were like PB&J, we just belonged together.
I don't understand why, but I don't need to. I need to trust, trust in God's plan. He can see the whole picture and even when it just looks like a sad mess to me, He can see something beautiful. Our theme verse for 5-1 is Esther 4:14 "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” I believe that we are still called for such a time as this. God had a reason for splitting us up and a purpose for the ministry each of us will be involved in. This summer, I've learned that I don't have to understand the "why?", I just need to learn to trust. I need to learn to trust my amazing Creator, Father and Savior. I need to trust that His plan is perfect and He sees the bigger picture, even though I don't. I don't need to understand, I don't need to get it, because He does and He loves me more than I can fathom. He sees the unseen and knows what He is doing all the time.
I feel like this summer, God has done so much shaping and molding in my life. He has taken things away, broken me, and surfaced my weaknesses and insecurities. I'm so thankful for that. My life verse is
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I have definitely been given opportunity to have that verse be lived out this summer. I've been weak, broken, left with nothing, but Christ's grace has been enough for me. He has given me a joy that has really been unexplainable and a peace that can only be explained by His Holy Spirit. Through me being stripped down to nothing, I've been able to see God at work. I've been able to firsthand experience the power in Christ that comes through weakness, insults, hardships, persecution. I have been drawn closer to Christ than I knew was possible by becoming nothing.
Random sidetrack, but I really love my mom. She doesn't always have the most comforting things to say, but she says what I need to hear. Today I was in the car with her and as I was pouring out my frustrations, she said, "Sarah, want to hear something I heard on the radio? They were talking about Navy Seals. Did you know they physically drown them and then reccusitate them as part of their training?" She then went on to encourage me about the plans God has for me. She was told me that God aloud me to grow up in a really broken home, go through hell, because He was training me for an ellite force for Him. He is training me to survive, press on, and cling to Him no matter what I am going through.
Life really is a beautiful thing. Even through difficult seasons, it is beautiful. I'm learning that my Jesus is ALWAYS, ALWAYS enough. He has the perfect plan and even when things are taken away from us, or we face challenges, He remains and He is still enough. Praise be to Him alone.